Dear Santa, Hope this meets you well. I will like to tell you that there are so many people that will be posing as you, but they don’t look like they are capable of bringing us gifts. Instead, they look like they need gifts from us. At least, with the pictures we see of you, you are round and white and everything nice.
We are in the month of December already and we will like to tell you all we want for Christmas. Before we proceed, we will appreciate if you politely knock on the door. Many of us don’t have chimneys in Nigeria and coming down the roof might not be a very good idea. It’s very possible you are tied up by street urchins armed with car tyres and cans of fuel ready to burn your fine beards to ashes before they realize you are ‘Father Christmas’.
Back to the business on ground, you have probably been busy buying gifts for people that sent in their requests on time (most likely taking advantage of the black Friday deals) and you are getting ready to fix in their stockings. I will like to prepare your mind that the needs of an average Nigeria cannot fit into regular stockings. We’ll be ready for you anyway.
To start with, please, come with a truckload of smiles and happiness. The average Nigerian is very angry. There seems to be no form of joy in the country. Don’t be surprised that when you come, in traffic obviously, a fellow in another car will call you an animal for no reason. It is a normal thing here.
Furthermore, dear Santa, is there a way you can give us money? We are broke in this country. You can probably ask all of us to mail our account numbers to you, so you can do a transfer to us. While doing this, confirm with our BVN, some of us have empty accounts with all the banks in the country
In addition, we will sincerely appreciate if you can help us with electricity. This harmattan sun is not very funny and we might need to drink cold water when we get back from a frustrating day at work. This might not be possible, as there is no light and some of us don’t have enough money to buy fuel to power our generators.
Santa, I will like to use this medium to inform you that we will be having about a million and one music shows this month. These shows will definitely be ticketed and citizens will be expected to shell out some dough before they gain entrance at the venue. This year as usual, some of us are broke and we still want to attend these shows. On behalf of the other music lovers, can you kindly ask all our favorite artists to gather in one big field and perform to all of us for free? We will come. We don’t have a choice.
Thanks in anticipation.
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